Fresh off its recent legislative accomplishment - guaranteeing the right of workers to be utterly powerless in negotiating their own wages and benefits - the Michigan GOP has decided to expand its agenda to other areas where similar rights are lacking. As a result, the state legislature has narrowly passed a sweeping new measure guaranteeing the right to get hit by a car. "Let's say you're going for a walk," said state senator Mike Duchenoz (R - Grosse Pointe). "You're minding your own business, obeying the traffic laws, and so on. Chances are, you won't get hit by a car even once. Not even once! Aren't you tired of that?" The new law includes a separate rider amendment that offsets the potential inconvenience to drivers by making vehicular manslaughter and resultant vehicle repairs tax-deductible.
"Under this new law," continued Duchenoz, "no longer will decent, hard-working Michigan families be denied the opportunity to be horribly mangled that people in places like New Delhi and Kinshasa already enjoy." After passing the bill, Republicans held a festival celebrating the achievement where legislators and supporters among the public showed their enthusiasm by rigging swords, pikes, and flamethrowers to the grills of their cars and watching Death Race 2000 - a film widely beloved in GOP circles as an inspiring glimpse of a utopian future.
Other GOP bills on the table for consideration in the next term:
Special guest David Koch, whose political action committee had spearheaded the initiative, closed the festivities by saying "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!" and then promising to release the hounds.
- The right to e-coli.
- The right to hernias.
- The right to be stalked by psychotic exes.
- The right to herpes.
- The right to be thrown into a volcano.
- The right to daily anal rape by Mike Tyson.