Come a sultry summer eve and my good friend Mr. Daniel and I retired to the porch to consider the great questions of our mutual lives. After much chewing of the cud of self-analysis I have come to the conclusion that I do not support The Defenders of Our Freedom. I have thus concluded after consideration of the following:
First: I have no intention of joining, or of encouraging or permitting my dear children to join, Our Men and Women in Harm's Way in Iraq or any other such silly place because it ain't worth getting my ass or their asses shot or blown off.
Second: I have given not one cent, nor done one helpful thing, for any family burdened by a member's absence Serving Our Nation.
Third: I have not paid one cent more in taxes, -indeed I am thrilled to keep my "tax cuts" for myself - to buy ammunition, arms or armor for Those in Uniform.
Fourth: I have spent not one minute of my valuable time in a demonstration for peace, nor lent sent minute to assist any organization dedicated to Bringing Our Troops Home.
Fifth: I continue to drive my lovely 4wd pickup truck and enjoy its whopping 17mpg.
Sixth: I have written not one letter to an editor, nor made a phone call to a talk show, nor petitioned my congresscritters, to end this abomination we presumptuously call a War.
Seventh: I have not attended the funeral of any man or woman whose life ended prematurely in Iraq or Afghanistan, nor sent flowers, nor a word of condolence, nor shouted in anger to anyone who would hear my shout, nor allowed myself to shed a tear in public where some stranger might ask why.
No, I do not Support Our Troops, but I should. After all, it is they who Defend My Freedom to be the cowardly, self-indulgent, uncaring, spoiled-brat, fat-assed unimportant asshole American that I am.
I do not support our troops. Do you?