In support of this excellent diary here, I am reposting the third part of my series, "Coming out of the Abortion Closet"
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UPDATE: Gong on two years ago, I wrote a series of diaries titled, "Coming out of the Abortion Closet", in which I shared my personal experience of having an abortion, and how I determined that it was time to start changing the narrative that I heard from people constantly. You all know the one, "it's a tragedy but I support your right", or if I was dealing with what I call the pro-coat hangar brigade, "Oh, you terrible sinner, god will forgive you if you truly repent and start sharing your redemption story at our Wednesday Morning Ladies' Cookie and Bible Study Class for the rest of your life!" So I wrote these diaries as a sort of catharsis after dealing with people like that, as I hadn't yet developed what my Minnesota Nice family calls mean, and I call "yeah, I don't have time for that Minnesota Passive-Aggressiveness bullcrap, and I don't care what people think, it's my life" skills.
After reading the stories last night, I decided the a revisit to my original diary might be helpful to women who until this moment didn't realize that just sharing their abortion stories, even with friends and families, could be a form of activism. Also, This is my personal experience only on coming out of the Abortion Closet, and there is no right way. I am going to work on another post later, which will deal with "shame versus guilt", especially in the realm of having an abortion.
So, here it is, my diary, and I hope women find it helpful.
COMING OUT OF THE ABORTION CLOSET-PART 3
First off, let me say not every woman needs or wants to come out of the abortion closet. In our society, even the "good pro-choicers" place judgments on women who have had abortions. I have seen this firsthand when I started to share my story, usually abridged, with what I call "marginally safe" people. Usually, what I hear is this, "it's a terrible decision you made, but I support your right to have a safe abortion." First off, this person is telling me that she feels that I made a mistake, or at least this what I hear, secondly, it's wishywashy and demeaning. I don't feel, and most women I know who have had abortions don't feel it was a terrible decision. We feel that it was a right decision, secondly, these people start to qualify when the abortion starts to be okay, denying me and others the right to full body sovereignty . So, as you can see, a lot of women will choose to stay in the closet because of the little judgments that will be passed on her, even by those that say they are pro-choice. Not only that, but family and friends reactions can be violent, (domestic abuse cases abound in abortion stories, and the woman may still be in that relationship), or there can be shunning, or the information can be used to do some pretty emotional damage later during a family argument. In my very right-wing , Catholic family, we have this "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, and it works really well for us. Not only that, but it has to be said, abortion is a medical procedure, and and as such can be afforded privacy. There are many women who feel it was private decision, and should be kept private. We need to respect wherever a woman is in her journey, and not force anything.
The reason why more women who can should come out of the abortion closet is to demystify and demytholgize abortion. First off, no one except those who have had the procedure really knows how quick and easy a lot of early abortions are. (No doctor here, but a lot of women share my experience that the procedure was pretty simple and quick). Secondly, nearly everyone around me with the exception of women who thought like me had this myth in their head that I should be an emotional wreck because of my abortion. It's amazing how many times someone has said to me, "but you seem so put together!" after I share my abortion story. So, please, if it's safe for you, start thinking about opening the door a crack or two, because there is a lot of work to do in this area.
That said, maybe you are ready to come out of the abortion closet, or at least start treating it like it is, a medical procedure that is no different from getting your gallstones removed. My dream is that one day stating you had an abortion won't result in audible gasps, and visceral reactions as you sit around the coffee table at Starbucks with your friends. That may sound cold and callous, but that is exactly how I view it, and I am no more traumatized by my abortion than I am by when I had to get a periodontal treatment. Sure, I made some different choices after both procedures,(more stringent birth control, better flossing), but really it is my hope that one day the majority of people will say"oh, really, how'd that go for you?" and move on. The only way to get there however, is to the hard work of sharing our stories. Here is how the way I started to do that.
First off, I started hanging out at I'm Not Sorry. I read the stories, and started to realize that I wasn't a bad person, or that I wasn't an evil person for not feel the slightest bit of remorse, guilt, or contrition. I wrote my story there, and got it published. So start to share your stories where you KNOW it's safe. No one at INS is ever going to say something like-"it was a terrible decision but one you made, so let's move on". The web offers that treasured anyominity or at least it can, so start somewhere on the web. I invite anyone who has an abortion story to share to do it here in the comments.
Next, for me, I thought this is a part of my experience, one that I am no longer going to lie about, because lying about actually perpetuated guilt for me. So, I made a decision two years ago not to hide the fact that I had an abortion from my trusted friends. I distinctly remember being in the car, driving with my friend who overcame her drug addiction, and was now a counselor, talking about pregnancy, drugs, and abortion. I think it was in reaction to a story on NPR. I remember saying to her, yeah, well I had an abortion, and it was the best decision I ever made. My friend, hit my arm, and said, I did too when I was addicted, and it was also one of the best decisions I ever made. We both started sharing our frustration with the fact that society tells us we should feel guilty, but we don't. Intense female bonding at it's finest! Trust me, you will be surprised at how many women who have had abortions. So, start with trusted friends or family members. Usually I wait until the conversation comes up naturally. I mean if you really feel like you have been a hypocrite about it, and want to take a 12 stepish approach, go ahead, pick up the phone and call someone you trust. In my experience, I have just found the natural conversation approach works the best.
Now, that you are telling your story to the right people, you may find that you want to go more public, because it starts to get easier, and easier. By public I mean you may be sitting at a coffee shop, the topic comes up, and the table next to you can overhear your conversation. I first did this at a Borders cafe with my friend Jan. I remember saying, yeah well, I am not hiding I had an abortion anymore, I have no shame, I have no guilt, and while I am not going around shoving in people's faces, I am tired of always feeling like I have to lie or hide when the subject comes up. Now, I know some people next to us heard it, and as I said in my other story, a woman thanked me because she found an example to share with her daughter. I don't drop my voice when I say it, unless their are children around, because some parents just are so uncomfortable with discussing sex, etc and I am not an overbearing in your face person, well sometimes I am, but that's a different story. The point is the more you treat it like what your abortion was for you, a matter of fact medical procedure that you decided to do, the more other people will too. Now, that doesn't mean that you won't find in a public setting that you sat down next to The Christian Red Hat Ladies Wednesday Morning Bible Study and Coffee club, and they will be horrified and may come over to chastise you. (this happened to me about three weeks ago). My choice is usually to say very calmly, thank you for sharing your opinion, and then I ignore them. Ignoring is such a great tool, it really is. I use it all the time in my work with autistic children, so really just use it. Don't feel like you have to apologize to the CRHLWMBCC'ers, you don't. Don't feel like you have to move your table, or be polite. You don't. I wish as Gavin De Becker says in The Gift of Fear, that women would realize that No is a complete sentence. In this case, No, I am not buying what you are selling, engagement in an argument that neither of us are going to win. They may toss off the very patronizing, "I'll pray for you", which if you are like me drives me up the freaking wall, so I usually say, that is fine, in my spiritual tradition I light candles to the god and goddess Zeus and Isis, so I will be sure to light some candles for you." (Oh, this drives the fundie christians crazy, so feel free to use it if you really can't help yourself!). Honestly though, your best strategy is to ignore them, unless they get violent on you. My advice come up with some strategies, but don't feel like you have to leave the coffee shop,restaurant, or other public place for being true to yourself. Not only that, but you will be surprised at how much of a positive impact you are having on other people who have had the same experience, or who just didn't know a woman could have an abortion and still be okay. I like to think of these situations as acting with grace under fire, if someone gets up to confront me about it.
Now, a word of a caution. I found it freeing to be out of the closet, and went overboard. I ordered my I had an abortion T-shirt, and wore it to the local pro-life rally. Don't do that unless you have a death wish or are extremely justice action oriented rebel like me. Also, some people just aren't going to be able to let you be out of the closet. You will know who these people are. The driver in the car trip I took was one. I almost felt like I should have said, "wow, I had an abortion, and I don't have breast cancer", but it would have been pointless, and could have led to me being kicked out of the car. That is not to say that I haven't said to some people who have propagated myths like, "women who have abortions are traumatized overemotional idiots", Really? I had an abortion and I am not traumatized". Pick your battles, just like you do with kids.
As time goes on, and as you tell your honest abortion story to people around you, it does get easier and easier. You may find yourself doing more pro-choice work. Not only that, but you may find that you are helping women and men come to peace with their abortion experiences.
Thank you to Annrose, Doctor wf harrison for inspiring this series. I appreciate their work in the pro-choice field, and their support for this series.
Email me with any questions, and really you don't have to start all at once, just crack the door a little at a time.