From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
[Rimshot!]
The White House Correspondents Dinner is tomorrow night, hosted this year by SNL's Cecily Strong. Some past zingers:
“It is a privilege to be here at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I suppose I should say it is an executive privilege.”
---Richard Nixon, 1973
"These days the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means orange really is the new black."
---Barack Obama, 2014
"I know CNN has taken some knocks lately,
but the fact is I admire their commitment to
cover all sides of a story, just in case one
of them happens to be accurate."
"I stand by [President Bush] because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers. And rubble. And recently-flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully-staged photo ops in the world."
---Stephen Colbert, 2006
"Good evening. I'm Gerald Ford and you're not."
---Gerald Ford, 1976
“George didn’t know much about ranches when we bought the place. … He’s learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. It was a male horse.”
---Laura Bush, 2005
"The board of governors had a meeting and drew up some ground rules for tonight's talk. For example, there are a number of subjects I've been instructed to avoid. … Newt Gingrich's first wife, Bob Dole's first wife, Phil Gramm's first wife, Dick Armey's first wife, Rush Limbaugh's first wife, Rush Limbaugh's second wife, and Rush Limbaugh's third wife."
---Al Franken, 1994
"Dick Cheney is a scary man. I tell my kids, if two cars pull up and one has a stranger and the other car has Dick Cheney, you get in the car with the stranger!"
---Wanda Sykes, 2009
The smoochfest starts at 9 on MSNBC and CNN. Or, if you're a real glutton for punishment, at 6 on C-SPAN. And speaking of punishment, your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 24, 2015
Note: Due to a clerical error, the United States now belongs to the government of Tonga. We regret the inconvenience. ---Mgt.
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend:
4
Days 'til
Brewhibition in Knoxville, Tennessee:
8
Number of times Cincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price said either “fuck” or "shit" during his temper tantrum:
88
Amount Newt Gingrich still owes creditors for his 2012 presidential run:
$4.6 million
(Source: FiveThirtyEight)
Age of Ronald Reagan's would-be assassin John Hinckley, who now gets to spend half the week with his mom at her Virginia home:
60
(Source:
USA Today
Number of Danish lawmakers who voted for and against, respectively, making sex with animals illegal:
91-75
Percent chance that Luden's Wild Cherry Pectin Lozenges/Oral Demulcents "soothe your throat" and "taste great":
100%
(Source: Luden's)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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CHEERS to easy layups. Today is national Pig in a Blanket Day. Or, as it's also known: Rush Limbaugh's nappytime.
CHEERS to the people's lawyer. In a 56-43 vote, the Senate finally got off its ass and voted to promote Loretta Lynch from Attorney Colonel to Attorney General:
First order of business: take care
of these for me, ma'am. Thanks!
A two-time U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of New York, Lynch takes on the high-profile job at time when America faces a series of challenges, from dealing with strained relations and deep distrust in some cities between the police and the communities they serve, to criminal justice reform, to confronting the ongoing threat of terrorism.
Lynch has some experience with the latter: the Eastern District of New York has tried more terrorism cases since 9/11 than any other office. … Lynch's portfolio will include addressing voting rights, white-collar crime and policy reviews, as well as public corruption, an area in which she has vast experience.
Her confirmation, which Harry Reid could've taken care of in the lame duck session last December, happened after an excruciating five-month wait. And there may be yet another delay, since technically she can't take the oath until current AG Eric Holder steps up to a lectern
and sings Let the Eagle Soar. (Shoulda read the fine print, buddy.)
CHEERS to our big eye in the sky. Twenty-five years ago today, the Hubble space telescope was placed into orbit by the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery. When the first mind-blowing photos were revealed to we Earthlings, Democrats saw the wonder of an evolving universe and the hope of discovering intelligent life one day and harnessing our collective strengths for the good of the cosmos:
The Whirlpool Galaxy and Companion
Republicans saw potential oil fields and the hope of discovering millions of new suckers on which to foist reverse-mortgages and other toxic assets. Eh, potato, puhtahto.
JEERS to a chip off the old blockhead. Ever wonder what former racist libertarian weird guy Ron Paul is up to these days? If you tool around conservative political web sites, you'll see his name and face plastered all over the place in banner ads for surviving various looming economic and governmental catastrophes. Apparently the old man has plunged headlong into the bamboozle business. Here's one example…
#1 step to protect my finances? That's easy. Never, ever
ever let his kid anywhere near the White House. (Build the dang moat!)
CHEERS to genome sweet genome. Sixty-two years ago tomorrow, on April 25, 1953, scientists identified DNA for the first time. Its appearance is described by the U.S. National Library of Medicine as "two long strands that form a spiral called a double helix." Or, as many wrongly-convicted prisoners have come to describe it: a lifeline.
Oops! I slipped and
posted this. No idea
how to remove it.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The last weekend of April is here
already??? Cheesum crow, this year is flying by. The weekend tubage starts tonight with what rserven calls
"That Transjenner Moment (9, ABC). On HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher jibber jabs with Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Chris Caldwell, Ana Marie Cox, Liz Mair and Eddie Huang. Tomorrow night is the aforementioned White House Correspondents Dinner, and it'll be on C-SPAN, CNN and MSNBC. New
DVD releases include Liam Neeson channeling his inner Liam Neeson in
Taken 3 and Jennifer Aniston's acclaimed performance in
Cake. Sports schedules: baseball starring the league-leading Red Sox
is here, the NBA playoffs
are here and the Stanley Cup playoffs
are here. Sunday night on
Game of Thrones, a new era of hope and optimism sweeps through the kingdoms when someone invents soap. And John Oliver wraps things up on
Last Week Tonight by
uncovering yet another festering segment of American life that none of us know about.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause until each of the Republican candidates for president have attended a same-sex wedding:
Meet the Press: Prop. 8 attorneys David Boies and Ted Olson and Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson on the upcoming Supreme Court cases on same-sex marriage; White House Correspondents dinner host Cecily Strong and Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau; roundtable with Matt Bai, Helene Cooper, Doris Kearns Goodwin and Gov. Hutchinson (again).
Boise and Olson, together again
Sunday morning on Meet the Press.
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This Week: Breitbart hack "author" Peter Schweizer gets prime airtime to do a hit job on Hillary Clinton, even though his book has already proven to be riddled with errors. That's journamalism! Plus: Rep. John Delaney (D-MD) and former White House counterterrorism adviser Richard Clarke on the death of American hostage Warren Weinstein. And you don’t want to know who's on the roundtable panel because it would make your head explode.
Face the Nation: In advance of Tuesday's same-sex marriage arguments at the Supreme Court, CBS News turns to the Human Rights Campaign's Evan Wolfson and KKK-affiliated hate-group leader Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council; Gov. John Kasich (R-OH) plays coy about his presidential prospects; Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD) on the ridiculousness of the never-ending Benghazi investigation; New York Police Commissioner William Bratton and Deputy Commissioner for Intelligence and Counterterrorism John Miller on the never-ending cycle of white cops killing unarmed black citizens; roundtable with Greedo, Sy Snootles, General Veers and Watto.
CNN's State of the Union: John Legend on his Free America campaign.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: A hacktacular extravaganza as the author of Hillary hit piece (which, by the way, nobody will actually read) "Clinton Cash" makes accusations without proof, and Chris Wallace eats it up. Former Clinton advisor Lanny Davis responds. The roundtable, with Karl Rove, Brit Hume and Ron Fournier, furrows its collective brow, calls the allegations "troubling," and makes a mental note to see their doctors if their erections last longer than four hours.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 24, 2005
JEERS to fundy flyboys. Things have gotten ugly for Bible non-thumpers at the U.S. Air Force Academy since George W. Bush turned America into a theocracy. Jewish and atheist cadets are being harassed with slurs like "filthy Jew". The Air Force's remedy: a "tolerance class" that lasts less than an hour. Whew...and we thought they wouldn't treat it seriously.
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And just one more…
Waiting for the butler to
come and fluff her pillow.
CHEERS to the happy patient and her two happy daddies. For the last two months, C&J's rescue pooch Haley has been living in a state of "strict confinement" as she healed from knee surgery---an operation called a
"Tibial Plateau Leveling Osteotomy." (In a nutshell, they sawed through her back leg bone and readjusted the angle of it so it no longer relies on the torn anterior cruciate ligament to support her knee---sounds crazy but it works.) No running, no jumping, no chasing balls, no playing with other dogs for eight weeks. Oh, and no climbing, which means yours truly has lugged her 50-pound self up and down 21 stairs approximately 240 times for potty breaks and short therapy walks with her belly supported in a hand-held sling. Today it all paid off when we took Haley in for follow-up X-rays and got a big
thumbs-up from her surgeon. The bone is healed and she's been cleared to resume---
gradually---her usual goofy active dawgy life. So harmony is restored to the C&J household! At least until the next calamity, which may come sooner than we think: yesterday we found a copy of
Bank Robbery for Dummies under the kitty's pootie pad.
Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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