[For those of you who can’t wait to hear Trump give a speech on this budget — here’s a transcript via my crystal ball]
I need to talk to you about the latest fake news. It's awful. It's a lie. The media is saying my new budget increases military spending, but cuts all those loser programs for education, housing, the environment, Planned Parenthood and all those other wastes of money.
It's all a liberal conspiracy. None of it is true.
Ok, so what is really happening? Simple. Just as I promised, I've solved all of your problems all at once as soon as I became president. The media is the enemy of the people - they're just too stupid to understand all your problems are gone. Gone. Poof! Gone.
It's common sense. We need more money for the military for our war with Mexico. Mexico refused to pay for the Wall. My Wall. MY WALL!!! Now we'll be sending our army into Mexico. Needless to say, Mexico will have to put its men into its army. Mexico will be catching and drafting anyone who tries to cross the border. Voila! We don't even need a Wall anymore! Brilliant! I'm brilliant!
Since all of our men will be in the army fighting in Mexico and the Middle East, there will be no unemployment. All you women who have been complaining companies won't hire you for the jobs you want - now they have to hire you because all the men are over there! And since all the men are away in the army, you won't need Planned Parenthood. Brilliant, if I do say so myself!
And - this is one of the best parts - no more US companies sending jobs overseas. They'll all be making military equipment, and for national security all that will be done right here. Am I brilliant or what?
Healthcare. You're gonna love this. All those men in the army are going to have medics to keep them healthy and they're not even going to have to pay insurance for that!
Education. Let's face it. How much education do you need to be a private in the army or work in a defense plant making guns and tanks?
It's amazing. All the problems are solved - with one simple budget. MY budget! And don't forget. None of those other losers fixed this all for you. I did. I was going to say you didn't have to thank me, but - you know - you really, really should.
Oh, you know, I almost forgot. All you people who've been talking about the minimum wage? I have fantastic news for you. From now on, your wages are all going to be the very, very minimum.
Thank me, thank me, thank me!